We're at the hospital today. I will visit your blogs though as soon as I can get over to my coffee shop across the way.
I have a pitch coming up with an agent and I am posting said pitch today. I need to add a take away to it. These girls make it out just in time (didn't you know?) Should the take away be just a sentence that tells how they get out? Or what? It can be up to 100 words. Right now it is at 66 words. ANY AND ALL HELP NEEDED AND WANTED. PLEASE! Here goes...
Seventy Two Hours is the middle grade adventure story of two 13-year old girls (one a diabetic) who embark on an unsupervised horseback ride in the mountains. When they are forced off their trail and a thunderstorm strikes, they’re confronted by wild animals, nightfall, and an insulin pump running on empty. They must find their way home in a situation where failure is not an option.
GAH! Help this freaked out woman! GAH!
Thanks :) Dang, I'm brave. :0)
I like it!! I'm not sure you need that last sentence, but regardless, I think it's succinct, clever, and just about perfect!
ReplyDelete(PS: Did you see my other comment and the facebook post?)
(PPS: If you sent anything to me by the group, I haven't gotten it...wonder if it's working for you?)
I agree with Beth. I like it. Makes me want to find out what happens. You could definitely do without the last sentence, but it ties up the blurb nicely if you want to keep it.
ReplyDeleteVery suspenseful. Thanks for sharing. You'll be post excerpts next, right? Pul-lease.... pretty please.
Robyn, you ARE brave! How did you get this pitch session? Good luck with it!
ReplyDeleteI think this is working for me. I'm personally fine with the last sentence. I think it works.
The language of the pitch is a bit formal, which is fine, but I just thought I should say that. Words like "embark" and "unsupervised" are making me feel that way. "go on a horseback ride alone" would be a more casual way of saying it if you want to sound more conversational...which you may not want to do.
I'm not quite understanding what you're saying about a take away, though.
I am going to have to agree and say that the last line isn't necessary. But otherwise, I like it. I think you're brave for posting this here and brave for doing the pitch! If you can pitch it in a conversational tone, I think it will be great. I don't know a lot about pitches, do you need a take away? Do agents or editors expect that?
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Yes, you are brave. I like it. Good luck with the pitch.
ReplyDeleteI love this! Really intriguing and tight. I agree about the formality of 'embark' and 'unsupervised.' It sounds like the author or parent talking. Did they sneak away or do the parents know they've gone? That may be important as to whether anyone is looking for them when the storm hits. It could add to your suspense in the pitch if no one knows they're out there. Also, in the last line, I think you could up the suspense by taking out the generic 'failure is not an option' and putting it in cold fact that one may die. Good luck cuz I really do love this pitch!
ReplyDeleteSeventy-two Hours is an MG adventure complete at ________ words. Thirteen year olds Suzy (a diabetic) and Sally strike out alone for a wild horseback trek and are confronted with immediate danger. Being forced off the trail, dealing with a mean unexpected storm and then coming face-to-face with wild animals in the dark should be enough "fun" for any girl. But then they realize Suzy's insulin pump is running on empty, things really get desperate. Making it home in one piece becomes their only goal.
ReplyDelete*...is running on empty, and things really get...
ReplyDeleteBeth, I just saw them. I'll go there tomorrow. I hope I can still get in. It sounds wonderful. WOW! And glad you like it. I hope I can get her to ask for a full. :)
ReplyDeleteLinda, thanks girl! I appreciate you reading it. I'm thinking about posting some parts of it. Or all. Dunno. You think I should? :)
Davin, I got the opportunity to pitch because of The Muse Online Conference. I'm very excited and very nervous. Thanks for reading it. I will take your advice about the too formal wording. Thanks.
A take away is telling the end in some way. Giving them something to take away. You do it for pitches. So I will end up posting about this experience no matter what happens. :)
Cindy, I appreciate you reading. Let's hope I can learn a lot from this experience no matter what. :)
Susan, Thanks for reading my friend. *fingers crossed* :)
Tricia, I sure hope this pitch gets me in. Then when she reads my story it CAN stand on its own. If she goes for adventure. I'll take your advice and thanks for the good luck wish. :)
Angie, I appreciate the time you took to help me. Thanks girl. Now do ya have a rabbits foot? :)
I really think you have it. I wouldn't add a last sentence. Sounds good to me!
ReplyDeleteYou ARE brave! Go you! It sounds like a really interesting story, one that I would've read.
ReplyDeleteI hope the pitch went well. :-)
BJ, thanks. I appreciate you reading it. :)
ReplyDeleteJessica, I haven't done the pitch yet. Two weeks and counting until I get to pitch. But it makes me feel good that everyone likes the pitch. Go all of us. WOOHOO.:)
Chiming in late here, Robyn, but just wanted to say I think your pitch sums up the story nicely; I really like it! Hope all goes well for you at your pitch session & wish you the BEST OF LUCK!
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